the song

classes are over. the weather is the type that would be ideal for brooding (grey, sunless mornings which have been the norm for two weeks already). i've been awake since 6 (am i not always?) and started rereading brief lives (the sandman series is totally awesome). after the high i kinda acquired yesterday, my emoitions are so mellowed down today. but there's not much to brood. the thing i need to do is to get around to finishing the acad stuffs i've left behind to get ready for the coming sem. but well, i've decided to make use of this time to write about something that i've been meaning to write about for a long time.

nothing beats feeling depressed on what an eventual failure you might be and having the song that tugs at your emotions the most playing over and over to... make you just go over and cry. well, i didn't cry.. certainly not.

it was a saturday night, i still had my sulitxt ongoing. after forwarding some quotes, i found that i still have a globe number of my high school thesis financier (actually, partner, but financial resources was what he was able to share). i thought i'd text the number to see if it was still working and i got a reply soon after. apparently, it's now his active number. so we had a great conversation - talking about the planned high school reunion after only 5 years, mind you, and catching up on what's been going on with each of our lives. he's been working, making a 5-figure salary a month doing what he likes doing and has been doing since high school. talk about having the right resources. i was having a good time talking to him while he was finishing a project. but eventually, i fell asleep. it was already around 3 am.

i woke up that morning and fell to thinking about our conversation. and somehow, this overwhelming sense of... failure was it, draped over me. at least that's what i surmised days after that incident. i just lay in bed with plenty of thoughts and emotions going through me. eventually, i switched on the pc and tried playing some music. and then i played aimee mann's save me. and there was no getting over it. before the song was over, i had it on repeat. i was supposed to meet my sister in manila to find some apartment that we could possibly rent for kevin's imminent studying there. i had planned to be there by 9. the song played intermittently 18 more times. and i just laid there. no tears, no. just a particularly dark mood. (and i was alone in the room that time). i decided i should get going already although i found no way out of my depression yet. the feeling stayed with me on the bus. my eyes were watery already by the time i got off at taft. my sister fell asleep waiting for me so i waited for some 30 minutes outside the gate of her dorm. when she finally let me in, i still had to wait for quite awhile for her to get ready. i guess my depression was reaching its peak by then. i was close to bursting to tears, actually shedding some from time to time but i managed to control it. karen finally came down but i still couldn't stop shedding tears. at that time, there was no obvious reason why i was doing it. i told myself and karen over and over again that it was due to nothing. i thought it was probably the song. i couldn't stop playing it, and that's what's probably causing that mood at that time. i finallly stilled myself and we were able to set out on our mission. all the walking around, the need to think straight and the heat finally banished all the depressiing thoughts i harbored.

it was only later that i reailzed what it was about. i was feeling like a failure. i encouraged my "feeling down" by thinking more and more about it. and playing save me just clinched it. it's my perfect depression song. more than the words, it's the melody that completely takes me in when i'm in a vulnerable mood. well, it's not actually that my mood is vulnerable, but when i'm depressed, any thought or idea that crosses my mind could send me to even greater depths. stoking the fire, so to speak. only in this case, it's more like digging a hole deeper and deeper. the song took me in the course of its playing and bannered my emotions. in a way, it magnified what i was feeling sending me close to bursting in tears. no song has done that before. such a very simple melody. nice vocals. the opening groove played with, correct me if i'm wrong, the bass string of an acoustic guitar with a simple beat accompanying it immediately snagged me. the rest of the song played along with my emotion, complementing it, that's why i felt the need to listen to it over and over again. that's all i did, play it over and over again. with its tight grip on my emotions, i was not able to let go of the song and the feelings i had. there. a perfectly, utterly depressed me. there's no way around it. the power of that song.

it really is the song. it's my first time to encounter anything like it. i discovered years before that when i'm angry, i play loud music because well, when i'm really angry, nothing gets to me, no emotion, no other people, nothing until i've cooled off. so maybe the loudness was all that i could associate with my feelings - the aggressve thoughts forming - even though i'm not receiving anything.

so there. i've made my point. i wanted to make another entry. but i'll postpone it for another time when i'm feeling like my usual self - not so happy, not so sad - just the everyday me, because i want to talk about a fairly enjoyable experience. and all this thiniking and this weather has kinda put damper on my emotions today, but it's nothing that a good company can't erase.