about yesterday

i was with my mom this morning. she's here on one of her series of trips to get ready for my brother who's going to be studying CE in UE come june. i haven't been exactly telling the truth regarding my acads and my plans for the coming semester. she was expecting me to graduate on my fifth year, which did not happen. indeed, they'll get a surprise that inspite of not graduating, i have my graduation picture already nicely done. anyway, she asked me if i'll get to finish my thesis by first sem since that's all that's keeping me from graduating and when i said i'm not sure, that i'll see about it, she eventually said that (obviously translated) "if i can't finish my studies, then it's fine, i should just stop. it's shameful but there's nothing that can be done about it." i laughed at that.

i laughed because that thought had crossed my mind a number of times recently. i must've been deep in the thought of not being able to finish my thesis - what with a one semester deadline hanging over me and being the hopeless procrastinator and unprioritizing happy go lucky student that i am - that i didn't mind not being able to achieve a degree. although the thought of what i'd do after dropping out stilled me a bit. but i guess that wasn't going to deter me. i am seeing no hope in myself as a future food technologist anyway. and what do i really want to do? many things, but not the routinary things that one expects from a person who holds a regular job. i want to be involve in some cinematic pursuits, never mind if i'll start from scratch, be a hobbyist photographer though i've no funds yet to buy myself a decent SLR of my own, let alone a DSLR, explore the philippines' underwater life, play football, read plenty of books, watch plenty of anime and movies and earn money doing jobs on the side. and this is the philippines. one can't possibly live comfortably doing a myriad of other things while holding one part-time job here one time and then moving to another one another time. there's no stability, no hope for financial security. business may guarantee, but only after some years, and that is if it's the right business. don't have the chops for it yet, but eventually, that's what i plan on having. routine is not for me. a desk job, 9-5. nope, it wouldn't work. just like right now, here in school. you can't expect to see me diligently studying. i would prefer to be somewhere else than be stuck in my room reading or doing exercises. i can't possibly stay here in up and just study. nope, i gotta be involved in a bunch of other things. which is kinda frustrating because extra-curricular stuff tend to become prioritized over acads, over what may be my future. but i'm not saying that'll be the entirety of it. i can do transcription. i would also like to try tutoring. but the lack of proper facilities - especially if i want to tutor foreign kids living in their own countries - sets me back and hmmm, i haven't found that is quite as lucrative as of yet. so i've only tried transcription, and hmm, doing student assistantship work (the latter for P30 an hour). it's really quite hard to make a living while trying to live at the same time.

but then, entertaining these thoughts - you may think that i'm not at all entirely capable of finishing something like a thesis. indeed i can, if i only put my mind to it. i'm looking forward, thinking of the worst possible scenario. which may not be quite far from the mark given my nature. i also know that if i do not finish it, i'd just allowed myself to fail. it's something that's completely in my control. i could've started the study this summer, but i made up excuses and i have no product to show for it. and so now, i'm lamenting the shortness of 5 months. and since my parents have kinda agreed to shoulder my expenses for the coming sem, they wouldn't be so generous if i extend into the second semester. that's something which i would be able to manage, i think. call centers abound. i just have to make use of my time properly, something which i have yet to learn, given my ambition to know about many things. why, for the online enlistment for the coming sem, i enlisted for german 10-11, spanish 10-11, film 110 (basic photography), basic orienteering and futsal, on top of having to spend lots of lab hours for my thesis and possibly having to take up physics 72 again.

if only i'm as strong-willed as i would like to be.. then i could do all those and graduate on time. i'm really hoping that i could.