*internet/power fail*

A few things not going my way today (even blogger's rich text editor takes some seconds before I can start typing. And what do you know, there's nothing like frustration of this sort to get me writing).

First, I was booking a Cebu Pacific flight to Kalibo on January. I've managed to score free accommodation care of my friend. I've just entered the payment details and voila! The screen flickers to black, the electric fan stops spinning, and just as soon as I realize what happened, the CPU goes beep, the red light on the AVR and the CPU goes on and the electric fan resumes its normal whirring. If I could've finished the whole thing a few seconds earlier, the booking might've been done before the power had the temerity to trip right at that moment. Yeah, I know. Chill, as some would say. But I wouldn't be this pissed if it didn't take as long as 30 minutes to book these flights (it may even have taken more).

Oh well, starting over again... Hopefully all goes well this time.

Hmmm....

Well, I guess that's just the whole of it. I've started to feel better after the prospect of going to Bora presented itself to me. Brought me back to my old, usual self. Not this skulking, moping, passive self that's been manifesting since yesterday. And I'm reminded (as I am time and again) what the choice of laziness, the decision to procrastinate, does to one's entire outlook, affecting one's actions and future, no matter how you think it's only the now that you're making a decision about.

for lack of a better title

This is contemplation (referring to quote in the right sidebar), yes, but I shall continue. Yesterday's mind-mapping sessions with Macel, Joyce, Macri and Chesca further reinforced in me the things that I know will make me happy (and food technology isn't included in the list). Chatting with Ces on Plurk reinforced that further. So today, I planned to go to UP and finally ask about admission requirements into the Institute of Creative Writing and Department of European Languages. 


The plan which never became. A disappointing event happened last night, my fault mainly (due to a lapse in judgement). I was feeling okay about it last night. This afternoon, I don't know... It was a downward spiral from then on, so I wasn't able to go out. The sight of nice accessories from online shops were what it took to make me feel a bit better. And I need to be. I need to work tonight. (And I daresay, my spirits would be very high come 8 tonight.)


Anyway, I told my mom about my going to UP while I was still in a good mood. She thought I was going to those departments to look for a job. But I'm actually intending to study further, a second course if it's possible in my current financial state. Hmm, how to tell her about it, what to tell her. I haven't been jobhunting for the past month, mainly because I don't feel like getting a job. I'm still in the 'thinking-observing-listening' phase of my near-quarter life crisis. I have yet to act out on things. I'm sure they don't see this the same way. 

something killed me

I don't know what's with today. After a fairly satisfactory day, after-dinner just seemed to continue spiraling downwards. I had work tutoring English and not one of my lessons turned out the way I used to do it. Distracted, or not in the mood...one of those two. Was supposed to watch a season 5 House episode but was not able to, mainly because I went overtime with my last student. I didn't feel really like I was doing my best but I couldn't do anything about it. I hate this feeling...

And so, I just tried to ward off the feeling... soundtripped, surfed, plurked song lines and generally, just sent my plans to hell. and now, it's late, i'm looking at the time i've wasted. my right hand's aching, I haven't washed my clothes like I planned to. I was also looking forward an (first) early morning jog, and now, it's not going to happen. darn this.

my mood's a bit better because of DA, but not yet in the pinkest of degrees. me need to go artsy, even if just for awhile.

ranting somewhere in philcoa

Eyes hurting, eighty-peso dinner gobbled down in less than 20 mns., yellow lights flickering in my eyes as the multi-propellered ceiling fan tries to keep me cool.

staring at the pc monitor for 9 straight hours isn't something i'd gladly do but i'm doing it through my own fault. i'm putting myself and ma'am djanna into a lot of pressure rushing the writeup of my thesis like this when i've had two whole sems and the start of the summer term to write it. i've never worked well planning things ahead, or doing things ahead for that matter. Papers photocopied and pdf files downloaded semesters ago only got to be read now, less than a week before final manuscript submission and it's not like it's very easy to do a writeup and look for supporting data in other references when the data you obtained seem quite out of the ordinary, the expected trends were not there. and the data changed from one phase to the next. and i'm not really sure how much to assume, and how much to keep searching in the world wide web. does it surprise you that i'm writing this on paper? well, i am a bit surprised. i can't believe i'm still writing, like i can still churn out ideas on paper. it's been a long while since i've last written my ideas on paper. and it's been awhile since i've written anything this long so my hand is kinda hurting.

why are Filipino TV networks so intent on fueling the stupidity and prejudice that already abound? i've at for less than an hour in front of the boob tube, switching the channels from one station to another. this was around 6-7 pm on a sunday evening. many families would be at home, kids watching whatever's on tv unguided. TV says: it's right to make fun of fat people, of who they are and what they wear; it's good to make fun of gays, and make them do ridiculous things for the rest of the TV-watching public to see. Why do you make kids do antics on TV and frighten them while doing it, all the while catching the whole thing on tape? Why twist public service announcements so that the public including kids could laugh at them? why make kids act like adults, delivering lines which would not benefit you or them, teaching kids watching that it's alright to be like them and do as they're doing. The Waldorf style of teaching is right: television should not be viewed by kids...

Hmmm... I gues i've had enough ranting. my eyes want to go close already. one more thing. there has been so many online communication tools already, different sorts of RSS readers, twitter/plurk, and many others i don't know about: del.i.cious, diggit, stumble. i tried seeing what twitter was all about. was tempted to create an account for a bit. but then i'm not online all the time. and for me to fully make use of it, i have to subscribe to other users using it. that'll add to the tons of things i read on the net or the other things i have to do when i'm online. maintaining an online presence is not very easy. but i'm in [it already]. it'll be hard to get out of it. so there, i think i need to sleep already.

loner for life

i'm a loner through and through.

nothing or no one could undo that in me.

i'd rather be alone presenting my major work.

i'm comfortable with myself only; the presence of others subjects me to thoughts of vanity.

this antisocialist view i came to realize only yesterday.

so why again?

i feel like nobody is ever going to understand me.

probably there's only one person who would.

but i haven't found that person yet.

in spite of all the people surrounding me, making me a part of their life, i feel like i will never be complete with all those people. it's me alone.

sad thought. but for now, it's the truth.

disappointed again

lately, my life's been a blur. nothing's happened that's so memorable. in fact, i feel really sorry for myself that i'm sort of wasting away. my thoughts are disorganied but i know they're all linked at some point. this discontinuity disables me from seeing a complete view of my life at this point in time. these days that i haven't been able to write illustrate my disbelief in my life. what's there to write about? there's nothing here that's keeping me alive. literally. or is there? i don't know. right now, this life is one big blurred shape zooming by, no attachments, no color, no end. it just rolls by - no rocks or inclined planes to change its course. why do i feel like this when there has been no disappointment so far? i dunno. sometimes, you know, thinking can be a complete waste of time.