down again

i've been feeling down and out of sorts for close to a week already, if not more than. i used to delight in playing futbol. it seems this week, i shall pass. even though it's a long weekend (ninoy aquino day on monday, the 21st; right now, manong quezon is having his day). i was envisioning playing with the sikad pips last friday, today and on monday.

ther're so many things i need to do and want to do. everything's piling up. my emotions haven't been helping. it affects my views, my actions, my decisions. i've been asking myselfs lots of questions lately, and providing answers, too, which leads to a lot more questions. i think it's because of the want of purpose. i can't seem to find it in the things i do nowadays. the only thing i think is worthwhile doing is related to acads. shit, i'm really miserable. i've lost my drive. or misplaced it somewhere. this had happened some time ago, too.

what are movies, music and football to one's life? what good is surfing the net? what is about reading books or learning? do i really have friends? or are the people around me just contented with just staying there? am i even important to them, just as other people are important to them? do i really need those other people?

i do get a temporary respite from those emotions when i'm involved in conversation with people. it seems they're forgotten for a moment. and i'm my old self again. i don't abhor (or not like, for a better description) those things i'm interested in, like i do when i'm alone, like this, trying to sort myself. and then the conversation's over, and i watch over everything with a detached eye. not part of the situation, an outside observer, i ask all sorts of questions, and recently, something's been bugging me. what's the purpose of all these?

i shun senseless stuff. senseless is not mundane. i do delight in the mundane sometimes. they provide leisure, entertainment, as everyone is bound to learn when coming across it. the senseless...they're crap. and what do i consider crap? mainstream stuff? i think that's what best describes those things i have been turning my back on. and pa-kyut na hirit. pa-konyong pananalita. walang kwentang kwentuhan. i run into such so very often. (ask me where i've been staying.) i don't join in the crowd who think they're cool, being the center of attention, talking about crap. why? because i love alternative things. i think they're crap because i think i'm cool, joining such societies as sikad futbol club, cinema and music circle. i think if people were more like me, i'd like them better. i'd tolerate them more. but then, what am i? jack of all trades, master of none. i'd like to say i love to get the best out of life. as long as they're within reach. i sometimes think that i'd like to consider myself an intellectual, rising above many others who are confined to what they learn from mainstream media, everyday things. nagpapaka-intelektwal. everyone wants to feel on a level higher than many others at some points in their lives. and when you are, does everybody know about it? nope. personal gratification is what you can only get most times.

people who are alone are the freest people in the world. that's what's said in the opening of the korean movie Love Talks - a slow-paced, probably melodramatic story of two females and their love ties with the world - one i was gonna watch last night but which i slept on. and i did, still do believe in it. romantic relationships are but shackles. unless you're completely go with relinquishing your singlehood to a life of not only considering yourself but thinking along the lines of "you and i" - will it be convenient/worthwhile/good for us or where/what time/what food will we eat - then you've completely accepted that fate. and i'm proud of you for allowing yourself to be controlled by the whims of the relationship. and i do get bored with a single person as a constant companion. variety is what drives me. at least, when i'm in my up and happy days. well, doesn't everyone wish they have a significant other? the concept of romantic love is so primitive, it's like second nature to people. everyone is touched by it. everyone is looking for it. and unless you're one of the more modern, liberated thinkers, you'd not waste time looking for it in places where you won't find it, because if it's meant to happen, it's bound to come to you. some people say they're complete with their partner. they're happy then. sometimes, i do imagine finding the love of my life. somebody who's there to appreciate me just for who i am. we'll be each other's support system emotionally. yes, such feelings are quite natural, i guess, now that i'm in my twenties and having had no boyfriend yet. i'd yearn for someone like that, ideally, with the face and stature of my crush since i only input the personality i come up with when i daydream. and i sometimes think that another person to share my life with will probably complete this missing part of life. no man is an island they say. i agree with that. what's my point again? seeing that i'm still miserable, i wish to know if a having a partner, a boyfriend in more practical terms, could lift me up, make me do away with this down days. but then, what follows is the line of thinking that goes why don't i attract guys in the first place. i see a number of girls who are not beautiful physically, but they've got guys in their lives. a question of self-esteem. and self-worth. what is it that those girls have? what is it that i have? should i be more vulnerable, more helpless, since guys wish to be the knight in shining armor, that they'd like to show they're stronger than you sometimes. that they can comfort you and give you security and happiness when everyone and/or everything else fails? if that's what's needed to happen, i don't think i can snag a guy anytime soon. unless he reads all this stuff and find out that questions of the mind are what's bothering me and pushes me to the lowest depths of existence.

when i think about it, the lack of purpose and a sense of unbelongingness is what's making me feel this way. though i joined a number of orgs, i think that i'm just a speck in the multitude, unimportant. they could get by without me. it's up to me if i'd care to catch up with them. why? it all boils down to personality. and time constraints. i know that proximity and time spent best leads to better relationships with people. that's the case for me. and since acad stuffs are taking so much time, i'm feeling out of touch with people. did this trigger my current need of a purpose, my demotivation? it might have. i think i'm sure it has. coz' what's the point of doing the things you do when you don't feel that people appreciate it? bleh, it's a huge circle, things happening and going in all directions.

i started writing this 2:02 pm. an hour and 2 minutes later, i rest my fingers. i just realized what i wrote in the last paragraph right now. and, i don't know what i'd do with that realization. it just seems like my state of mind is not going to get any better today.

magfi-field pa naman ang sikad ngayon. gusto ko sana maglaro. pati kahapon. tapos pumunta sa birthday celeb ni kuya butoy mamaya. kung may pumilit sa akin pumunta, i might reconsider my not going to bulacan for the overnight gathering of sikad peeps. importante ba ko sa mga tao doon? tapos dapat mag-aaral ako sa overnight or sunday whole day. bahala na. bahala na kung bumagsak at mag-math 162 at magpariwara sa napakalaking espasyo ng up diliman. wala naman atang pinatutunguhan tong buhay na to e.