silence

i want silence. however at this time of day, you can't have that luxury with everyone here doing a bunch of things. you can't keep to yourself alone which is what i need so that i could write properly. i was able to write my last post on a nighttime and with the utmost silence. what about now?

karen, rj and kevin are going to watch weiss kreuz which is one that i wanted to watch too. but, i gotta get back to this and try to write with all these distractions.

mars' latest message on my tagboard kind of struck me. i wasn't really affected by it much. i've come to that thought plenty of times in the past but it's only now that somebody said those to me. but i do know that that's true and i'm aware of it because when people talk to me, we usually speak about that person's situations or other people's or various stuff but only so little about me. and it's also common that friends talk about things happening in their lives or whatever. yes, i do that. but i don't really lay it all out in the open. usually, what i talk about or those that are happening in the present, or those things that are just on the surface. i don't talk much about my dreams, my utmost concerns, my, erm, infatuations... i just think that if people want to know, they should just ask, so i never volunteer any information about me. but why is that so? i guess it's just the very nature of me.

early on in my childhood, i was never a very playful nor a noisy child. the earliest i could remember was when i was around 4. the previous years were just a blur. that's when my sister was born. i remember dad bringing mom and i to the hospital when it was near for karen's birth. then we have a baby in the house. that's also my earliest memory of my mom and dad. i've been with dad 3 months afer i was born but mommy had to get back to saudi because she's working as a nurse when she gave birth to me there so i think she came back around 1989, just enough for karen to be born on march the next year. but i do not have any recollection of the events during that part of my life so i can't really tell what kind of kid i was. but when i was 4, i know i wasn't the noisy type. i don't have many friends. i don't go out of the house and play with neighbors. i only did play with one but not much. i also had a guy cousin who came around the house when we were classmates in kinder and prep but still, it didn't make me the typical kid and after that, that cousin of mine and i haven't improved our ties. we're still cousins though we are worlds apart from each other, which kind of goes true with many other of my cousins. we're a reclusive family you might say. well, those are what the circumstances brought about. we didn't grow up with our cousins around much. so it's usually ourselves. and we didn't grow up fighting with each other. we are peaceful children. we do quarrel but there are no shouting matches and those quarrels don't last a day. i've got to say i'm really happy about that.

and then there's school. i could say i went to a pretty excellent primary school. that's where i learned to keep quiet when somebody else is talking in front which up to now i still usually do. i don't like missing out on what the teacher is saying so i really don't like making small talk to or listening to stories from classmates during classes.

i've fancied myself as an "absorber" during the years that i've realized what i do. i just listen to the story, nod in agreement or throw in a comment or two and if the recounting ends, usually i have nothing much to say, not much of my own experience to share. so it ends there. i don't dole out facts about me in turn. so what does that make me? a really quiet person. i believe if people would be asked what they knew about me, they'd say that i was a classmate or so-so and that i listened to their stories, accompanied them on whatever, but nothing really concrete about my life. perhaps they could say something about my personality but not my personal life.