thursday, nov. 18

11:26 pm, Thursday - Nov. 18

the music on the radio plus the lack of solitude in this room and the fact that i just took a bath have driven the darker feelings i've been having earlier. i've had plenty of words running through my head in the bathroom but as soon as i left it, all the words flew away. however, since i'd like to think about them, i'd try to recall them as much as i can.

toward the end of my bath, i realized i had been philosophizing. that's a new concept i learned in my philo 1 class this afternoon. it's all about asking questionnn and/or re-asking them to reach some truths. so what have i been philosophizing about? it's about my fucking existence... for the nth time. about the things i'm doing or not doing right now. and my nature as a person. if you must know, i was feeling less and less worthy as the day wore on. and ugh, do i hate that feeling.

there's this big stage that i want to be a part of, quite a grandiose stage from my point of view but not so much for others. at least, not for the majority of the people in this world but for the majority of the people i know. i have been trying to involve myself in the affairs of that stage for almost two years already. but that's te only thing that i've done. i've just tried. sure i listen to discussions, try to involve myself with people and participate in events but there's something lacking in me that does not drive me to develop myself, my skills or my talent if i do have that. perhaps it's my lack of initiative or motivation or whatever. it's one of my dreams, one of the things i wanna do with my life but after so many promises to myself that i will do what i need to do, i still haven't progressed. i'm still at the same level i was at two years ago. and to think many others have gone so far ahead i couldn't possibly catch up with them.

i have long wanted to be a player. but until now, i'm still a spectator. goodness, what is the root of my problem? i know i want to live a meaningful life, one that i would not regret. but am i inspired enough to live it? it's been bothering me for so long. sometimes i think i don't have a purpose. i just live day to day, trudging on and just passing through all the things that are coming toward me.

and then there's this very nature of mine that i don't really like. i'm sure there are quite people but i know they're not as quiet as me. i've been with these people for almost two years already but lots of times when i'm with them, i just sit there and listen to all of their conversations. i am amused at or interesed by the things that they say but i don't venture a comment or suggestion or anyhing. i just ponder the thought over in my head and smile a little smile to myself or stumble upon a realization all by my lonesome. sure there are times when i'm also speaking which in itself is a rare occasion for me when i'm in a large group but my silent days outnumber those of my talking days. and then i feel so insignificant, so unworthy to live. i fancy myself as an absorber, one who just listens and absorbs everything. but to make good relationships, i know i have to do more than that. and the fact that i can't or don't do any of those frustrates me. I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

12:04 am