isang komplikasyon

one more time. one last post (yehey! tapos ko na rin ang asignatura). ang tagal ko nang gustong isulat ito e. now, concentrate.... **

hindi naman bulletproof ang aking mga mata;
paglingon ko, may nakitang pamilyar na mukha.
hindi matanto kung saan nakita,
inabot nang ilang segundo bago makuha.
at sa gaanoong tagal na panahon,
nagtititigan tayo.

aba kilala pala natin ang isa't-isa.
hindi man sa pangalan, sa mukha nga lang.
hindi rin naman tayo nag-uusap dati
pero ramdam natin kapag nandiyan ang isa.

ang titigang ito - ilang beses nang nangyari.
ngayon, matapos ang ilang buwan
nagkita uli tayo.
may patutunguhan ba ito?
o hanggang titigan na lang talaga.

**

ang panget! hindi ito ang gusto ko. pero since may naisulat na, ipo-post na rin. pero hindi ko gusto iyong kinalabasan ng effort na ito. some other time uli. hindi talaga niya nakuha ang emosyon ko sa topic na iyon. basta.. it's kinda complicated. kailangan talaga may ganoon sa buhay.

tapos na ang haggardness!

yes, exams are over! although first week come january, i think i already have two lined up. at least, the rest of the week will be smooth sailing already.

ang saya-saya talaga nang tapos na ang mga exams. pero siyempre, hindi masaya ang results pero at least ayus na. makakatulog na ako nang maayos tonight. ay! basta pala matapos ko iyong assignment sa 125 na siyang ipinunta ko dito sa computer shop. a blessing this computer shop is. for only P20 you get an hour of good surfing speed with an all Windows pc (as well as ms office - you know naman how hard it is to work with the open source applications; they're just not the same) and headphones for better listening experience.

now, enough of the pcs here. so many stimuli! i'm listening and at times viewing videos at launch. and what a consistent treat they're showing me right now. after mr. big's to be with you, i viewed/listened to a long walk, cornflake girl, a new song by rob thomas, oceania by bjork (visual candy, mind you) and now black balloon.

but this is not the main topic of my post. actually, there are more things boiling beneath this. haha!

well, as luck would have it, saw him again. yihee! at the library. even heard him speak lots of times. i was browsing in the same section of the lib as he was and he was speaking to some people at the tables, walking back and forth the shelves and the table saying comments.

he was also hurriedly browsing through a newspaper afterwards. anyway, it was nearing 4:45 pm already, our college lib's self-proclaimed closing time (read: time for everyone to get out and away!) and so after photocopying some pages i needed (this reminds me, i have to rush this or i won't be able to make my assignment), i got out. contemplated looking for ate joyce inside the college building but decided against it. saw her at the fishball stand. and she treated me to fishball. and there, not trying to be obvious but obviously caught in the act of trying to hide something, i learned his name. ate joyce is a 5th year already, of the 01 batch and his student number starts with 00. so obviously, older. anyway, ate joyce said he was repeating his thesis. too bad, pero hmmm... not too bad. at least, (an) extended semester/s for me. hehe.. selfish. pero tang-ina, ito na nga lang kasiyahan ko sa buhay. pagbigyan na. malay natin... wishful thinking =)

alam ko na ang nickname niya. iyon lang kasi sigurado ni ate joyce.

then she was gonna go to the sunken garden to speak with ate sandra. went with her, at nainggit ako sa mga andun na maglalaro. btw, the sikad girls were 2nd place in the tournament held yesterday. ang galing! gusto ko na ring maglaro. pero futsal iyon. at haggard sa pag-akyat at pagbaba ng field gaya ng nangyari kay candy. this reminds me, i need a soccer-related artwork quick.

then after making kuwento with the peeps, uwi na rin si ate joyce so sumabay na ako. so napunta kami sa may balara and ate some isaw. grabe na-miss ko iyon. galing. sayang, ngayon ko lang nakasama si ate joyce.

may isa pa akong ikukuwento pero hindi fit sa mood nito. another post na lang. and i need to finish those fatty acids quick hehe...

buenas noches

it's been raining almost the whole day. didn't see a ray of sunlight. the temperature and temperament it brings about in me reminds me of the coming holidays. it's almost this same mood, without the rains though. and yeah, i'm looking forward to christmas. something new for this year. something fun and intimate and joyous.

things i've done for the past month or so:
- watched the fourth harry potter movie. twas' alright. the scene where he came back with cedric's dead body to the pitch cried out to me. i could feel his anger and sadness. besides that, you thought he, ron and hermione are old enough already. but against the other champions, harry is still very young. cedric is good looking in some angles. and fred and george are still the perfect tag team!

-got a new pair of umbro soccer shorts from muroy, on a monday the week i started training again. i used it on wednesday though, hehe. it's reversible, by the way. blue and pink!

- watched DUP's sepharad. of course, it was required in my comm3 class. i also found arbie watching there, also required in the same class. late takers hehe.

- the POV last friday, december 2 was a success. not only did we fill up the whole cine adarna, there were still people standing or occupying monoblocs. too bad i wasn't able to watch all the films. the ones i did get to watch are "frou frou" - panalo sa comedy - and "anong petsa na?" and they're both great. looking forward to this weekend to be able to watch the others. ang galing talaga ng CINEMAsters. ang galing nina bebs and ace. grabe, gusto ko na rin makagawa ng film ko. concept muna, and then some peeps to help me out and a camera, ok na. go na. mahirap nga lang na part iyong concept.

- dec. 3, watched the women's championship match in football in the 23rd sea games at the marikina sports complex with sikad peeps. buti na lang sumama ako after nung training, although kawawa naman ako, didn't bring any pants so i just reversed the shorts i used haha! ang galing ng vietnam and myanmar! they could vie for the world championships. galing nung mga defense tsaka trapping and dribbling nila. kawawa naman myanmar; vietnam and got a penalty kick (i think that's what it's called) and won the game with 1-0. pero astig, i wanna be able to play like that someday. and after that, i will be playing like ronaldinho hehe.. what if? astig.. by the way in that training, karen and i made a pact that we would be committed to sikad from that day on. yes, sana nga tuloy-tuloy na ito. induction na sa wednesday. i need a soccer-related artwork (of course, that won't come out of thin air - got some brainstorming and hand twisting to do) plus a 30-minute batch presentation. keri sana.. my batchmates are planning to play instruments.

- watched ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros last monday with alessa. it was cute and funny but for me it was on the same level as pepot artista. i was expecting for more but i guess that's the problem with an award-winning film. but it was nice. something new yet close to our cultural context.
***
other thoughts...

*well, got 3 exams on monday: bio 11 lec, bio 11 lab (had a mock exam awhile ago - hope it helps) and math 54. yes, the shock of my life when i learned only last monday when our prof finally arrived that we're gonna be frying our brains on monday. tagal na kasing dinelay ang pag-aaral. ayan tuloy.

*hindi ko na siya nakita uli *turo sa ibaba* mali ako dun sa assumption ko. two times lang, no more. hindi na ako natutuwa pag nakikita ko siya pero ngayon, hmmm, hinahanap ko ang fez niya.

*cinema ball bukas. dress pa lang ang meron ako. how bout footwear? ha! hanapan mamaya hanggang bukas.

*nainggit ako kay marj nung nalaman kong nakapag-shift siya. buti pa siya, nagawa niyang iwanan ang halos tatlong taon sa ba at sinunod ang passion: film. grabe, gusto ko rin ng film. pero there are so many factors, the greatest of which is the financial constraints. besides that, hindi rin ako sure kung mage-excel ako dun. i wanna be sure naman kung nag-shift ako. pero hindi naman talaga ako masaya sa course ko. ang dami-dami ko ngang org, puro varied. hala, gusto ko naman ng specialization.

*physical activity no longer has the same effect on me. i think i need to take it to a higher level. nung last time kong nag-jogging, hindi sumakit katawan ko. kahapon naman, 3-aside iyong game ng girls nung training, minimal lang ang sakit although may pasa ako kasi natamaan ng spikes (walang shin guard). pero dati, masakit na talaga ang katawan sa ganoong activity.

*ukay is great! got a lot of cheap stuff. ang galing!

kailangan ko talagang mag-aral. nasa umpisa pa lang ako sa math. di ko pa na-aapply. so eto na lang muna. uwi muna ako, tapos lalabas para sa meeting. sa mc na lang ako hindi pa nagpapakita. medyo nahihiya na. pero mc squared sa tuesday, punta ako. tapos ep launch ng makopa sa jan 27, aabangan ko iyon.

so happy new year!

ikaw? oo, kinukuwestiyon ko ang existence mo

grabe, starring ka uli dito sa sinusulat ko. and after all this time, last name pa lang ang nalalaman ko tungkol sa iyo. pure luck lang talaga. kung hindi dahil sa assessment ng form5 e di wala na akong ibang alam tungkol sa iyo. ni hindi ko nga alam kung malapit ka na ring lumisan ng kolehiyo e. pero at least sa pagmamasid-masid ko, may napagtanto din ako.

last sem, nakikita lang kita tuwing miyerkules dahil may klase ako ng 1-4 at may klase kang 4-7. sa martes at biyernes naman kung kailan may klase ako sa kolehiyo e hindi naman kita nakiita. pero pag minsan, tuwing may oras o break ako ng lunes o huwebes at napapadpad ako sa lib, doon kita kahit saglit lang nasisilayan. medyo consistent yong sked na yan last sem although noong patapos na ang klase, medyo nawawala ka na. ngayong sem naman, alam kong may klase ka sa kolehiyo ng 1-2:30 kasi nakita na kitang nakatambay doon nang lunes at huwebes. lucky discovery ang pagkakatuklas kong iyon. kung hindi ako bumalik sa kolehiyo noong huwebes dahil wala akong klase ng hapong iyon (kinuha kasi ng 118 ang 1-4 ng lunes ko), malamang matatagalan pa bago ko malaman iyon. at tama nga ako, nakita nga uli kita kahapon nang hapon. siyempre may klase ako. at hindi ko naman ugaling magpapansin o kung ano. well, siguro iyong lantarang pagpapapansin o pagpapacute ay hindi ko gawain. pero nakikita mo naman ako diba? kilala mo na ako sa mukha.

hay... meron bang patutunguhan tong pag-iisip kong ito? o hanggang alaala ka na lamang na naisusulat ko? wala namang anything remarkable sa iyo to the "discerning female." ako? na-attract lang talaga ako sa iyo noong una kitang makita. hindi pa nga crush iyon noon e, kumbaga i was drawn to you, pero malapit na sa infatuation iyon. hindi ko alam kung kailan nag-evolve iyon. pero pucha, mukhang matindi pa rin ang infatuation na iyon hanggang ngayon. kelan nga ba naging matindi? noong patapos lang ata ang unang semestre. grabe ang impact mo. or at least, ang impact ng pag-iisip ko tungkol sa iyo. pinabalik mo ang period ko haha =)

sana naman magkausap tayo upang kahit papaano'y makilala kita at mahusgaan na itong pagka-infatuated ko sa iyo. astig ka nga bang tao o hindi? iyon kasi ang unang impression ko sa iyo. wala ka namang gaanong kahalubilo sa mga nilalang sa kolehiyo so wala akong ideyo kung anong klaseng tao mga trip mo. o kahit man lang mga taong pwede kong mapagtanungan ng pangalan mo. pero dahil sa fetish kong ito, ayan tuloy, hinahanap-hanap ka ng mga mata ko.

sino ka nga ba ha? para matapos na ang gulong ito.

depressed... obsessed...

the day started out really gloomy. umuulan kaninang umaga. much as i would have loved to stay in bed a bit longer, there's a make-up class for me to attend at 8:30 am. those 3-day training sessions given to those who need to learn them where scrimped to two hours for us. lima lang pala kami. iba din iyong lecture room. mas spacious which wasn't the case for our assigned classroom so mas madaling lumipad ang isip. madami ka kasing pwedeng pagtingin. todo rin sa taking-notes skill namin 'to. medyo marami kasi kaya kailangan mabilis magsulat. pero ok lang. mas napagod pa rin ako nung nag-take notes kami sa food additives and processing aids.

kanina pa ako medyo feeling down. bakit? hindi ko pa kasi nakikita iyong isang taong nakita ko kahapon. shet! grabe ng imagination ko kagabi nung nakauwi na ako. ayaw ko na sanang umasa o mag-isip nang kung ano dahil hindi naman mangyayari...

masyado naman akong nangarap kahapon. ayan tuloy, ubod ang pagkalungkot ko ngayon. e sino ba siya? hindi ko nga siya kilala. dumadausdos lang sa paningin ko kung may pagkakataon. ano bang appeal niya? for sure kung tatanungin ko iyong mga kakilala ko, wala siya sa current apples of their eyes.

wenk?!? sino ba talaga siya at bakit ako fixated sa kanya? ano ba kasi itong mga tipo ko? hindi naman siguro siya habuling tao. maliit nga siya e. pero kung ano man siya, kras ko siya. ayan. nangangarap na lang ako na hindi pa siya gra-gradweyt ngayong taon para makita ko pa siya. kahapon lang naging seryoso itong pagtingin ko sa kanya dahil sa mga pangyayari na kung iisipin naman ay hindi ganoon ka-indicative ng kahit ano. well, tingin ko ganoon. ako rin lang kasi ang lumilikha ng mga pagkakalituhan ko sa buhay.

tangina, ang spontaneous ng pagta-type ko ngayon sa dlrc. ganun talaga kalala ang nararamdaman ko. normally kung wala lang, kung may ibang bagay pa kong iniisip hindi ko maisusulat ang isang entry na ganito kahaba. dapat nga gagawa ako ng paper for extra points sa panpil17. putek, mawala ka na sana sa isip ko. nade-depress tuloy ako. at mukhang ayaw ko pa ring tumigil sa pagta-type dito.

isang pagkakataon lang para masilayan siya... iyong nga ba ang kailangan ko? nahihirapan akong mag-concentrate sa iniisip kong paksa para sa gagawin kong sanaysay. kanina pa to. sana matigil na. ayaw ko nang ganito ang nararamdaman ko hanggang mamayang gabi. nais ko pa namang dumaan sa tambayan at makichika o makisalamuha sa orgmates na matagal ko nang hindi nakakasama.

matapos na sana tong obsession na 'to para wala na kong pinapangarap. hilig kasing managinip ng gising e.

last night, i wanted someone to accost me and do something brazen to me. that thought started without any particular person in mind but eventually ended up with the image of one person. the stuff daydreams are of. wishful thinking at its purest.

--

days ago, i watched the foo fighters' video of walking after you. although in mini-screen mode only, i promptly fell in love with dave grohl. yes, joseph, he is hot. thanks for opening my eyes to that fact.

--

right now, i wish i had been a diligent student like kirth. that i study everyday when i get home and retain the pieces of knowledge i hear in class.

exams are raining down on my lap. the earliest one is the fourth long exam for biochem on saturday. although what is only covered is what was tackled after i recovered, there are still incorporations of previous lessons which my brain pointedly refused to retain at the time that i should have studied them.

yes, two weeks more. two most excruciating weeks. i hope i survive and emerge at least a bit triumphant.

surprise, surprise

words have eluded me for the past 5 minutes. it's now 9:44 pm. just when i was poised to relate the latest events concerning me, my mind drifts elsewhere, unable to concentrate on the sheet of paper in front of me.


[another 3 minutes have passed]


sometimes our own actions take us by surprise.

last night, i flipped to a channel showing an ongoing socceer match. i don't know who the teams were - couldn't understand a thing the commentators were saying or a jig written on the screen. but anyhoo, ronaldinho's team was there. now, if you've been observing those players awhile, you'll find they have one of the best bods around. i saw ronaldinho before remove his jersey after a game, and well, to put it simply, he took my breath away hehe :D he's also a good player, making an impressive goal on a penalty kick on that game. i've read his name way back 1998, the first time i heard of the world cup where france took an astounding win over brazil with 3-0, brazil who had the likes of ronaldo and pele among its ranks and who was seen to conquer the world cup one more time. imagine how old he is now.

if you must know, i am attracted by long-haired guys. a weakness probably, now that i think about it. and ronaldinho was that, plus one great bod of a great athlete. so i perked up when i saw him on the screen last night. my heart went a-fluttering for a moment. (goodness, i now rely on faraway guys lording it in the screens to wake up these feelings in me. what news, i have an infatuation!) karen and rj were there with me, trying to watch and asking questions. i told them what i could, not being very familiar with the game rules, and i also proceeded to tell them about the '98 world cup and ronaldinho. and as i did talk about the latter, i became teary-eyed. it's not a gradual one but a sudden one - in a moment, my eyes were flooded with lachrymal excreta. they weren't tears of sadness nor joyousness. i said at that time that i was too excited so that tears welled up in my eyes. but it doesn't seem to make sense to me now. excited? ture, i was perked up by his image gracing the screen. but the feeling doesn't relate to the fact that tears sprang from my eyes.

later on that same night, i was relating to my sister my initial feelings when i started reading her book (the shadow of the wind) and once more i was teary-eyed. i wasn't perked up like the previous incident. i just wanted to tell her to let her know how much a jewel of a find the book is.

but well, there you go. surprise, surprise.

childish bliss

this song just started playing in my head one recent day. it is quite reminiscent of my younger years. so here are the lyrics. why so? well, my crush - first serious crush, that is (if there was such a thing :D) - used to sing it when he was my seatmate. nothing much there... just childish bliss. yeah!


O pare ko, o pare ko
Ang kwento ko'y pakinggan mo
Baka sakali ako ay 'yong matulungan sa problema ko
Sino sa tatlo ang iso-syota ko
Parang awa mo na, pare
Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe

Lahat sila'y magaganda
Mayaman na at seksi pa
Barkada ko'y naiingit na nga sa akin, ako raw ay pabling
Hindi nila alam, napakahirap dalhin
Tulungan mo ko, pare
Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe

Kawawang puso ko, dumudugo
Nalilito kung sino kaya
Sino kaya ang pipiliin
At gagawin kong aking
Pag-ibig na tunay

O kay gulo, o kay gulo
Naiinis na nga ako
Sa dinami-dami ba naman ng babae sa buong mundo
Bakit ba ako nababaliw sa tatlo
Sabihin mo na, pare
Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe

Sa dinami-dami ba naman ng babae sa buong mundo
Bakit ba ako nababaliw sa tatlo
Sabihin mo na, pare
Si Aida o si Lorna o si Fe