in retrospect

as the year comes to a close, there's the ineffable probability that a sane, average individual like me would look back at how the past year has been. in short, a reevaluation of one's life. as i've said, it's much like what everyone else does when the new year comes. and for me to make a good one of it, i'm writing it down... which means it's gonna be published on the world wide web. ah! who reads this crap anyway?

it's been a year full of varied activities. i'm now a member of four different organizations, all having nothing to do with the degree i'm pursuing. i must say i followed my heart and my soul all throughout this year. i'm with a music-related org, our provincial org, a football club and an org for film enthusiasts (i joined the last two orgs only this year). they cater to varied aspects of my person and personality. i don't think i'll be joining any more orgs, seeing as i hardly have time for each and every one of those orgs. lots of my free time have been devoted to pursuing those other interests of mine. seeing as i don't get much pleasure from studying about microorganisms, food processing and such, i've taken time to feed my soul in the various activities the UP community has to offer.

i was in introduced to football late january and it has become an addiction. i finally became a member last december 14. just watching the different matches inspires you to do better. hell, you think you can actually do the feats the various players have accomplished. the club members are also great. you get to play with all sexes (ther're only two as far as i know), ages and nationality. playing the game itself is exhilarating. plus, there's the free workout that comes with the joy of playing.

film has been one of the things i'm really interested in. it's not only a form of entertainment, it's a medium for social change, an arena for creative expression. life or what life could be or what we imagine life to be like captured in film/video, it's a great collaboration of the different people making up the crew that takes to make a film. not to mention that different people i've met and come to know as i became a member of this org. it's really a great feeling knowing that there are people who share your passion and who you could work with in pursuing that passion. turning two years old this february, this org has me busy accomplishing its goals. it's great to be part of something and you're doing things to promote its aims.

there have been a lot of firsts for me this year. my first time to play soccer and enjoy the famous sunken garden, first time to play the kahon (and right smack during the performance), stay in UP for the summer (took up math53 and happily passed!), first to have a great responsibility laid on my shoulders (thank you to those who trusted in me to handle those things), first time to go to a formal ball since highschool prom (the up cinema ball), first time to be down with chicken pox (and hopefully the last time). i also got acquainted with the various people populating sociology/philosophy/political books, like plato, aristotle, locke, marx, st. augustine, st. thomas aquinas and hobbes. this christmas break is also my first time to go out the number of times i did than my other vacations like summer or sem breaks. amazing. i also got to visit the ukay-ukay in metro manila and what delightful finds i've had.

like always, i'm still struggling through my subjects. i'm taking the last of my math series and i wish to take this only once. no repeats. but math is antagonistic to a lot of people, and that includes me. i haven't had the time to practice integration techniques during this break. extra effort is needed for me to fulfill that wish of mine. my first exam is disastrous, even without seeing my blue book yet. i got a disappointing grade in my major last sem. i know i could've done better there. my biochemistry is also frustrating. accounting is quite complex. you really have to sit all of them out. that's one thing i haven't done last sem. it seems this sem's going that way too. but at least, no failing grades for me last sem. and oh yeah, i plan to sit on those subjects longer. i'm in third year already. i'm just riding it out, like lau. we don't really enjoy our courses but we have no choice. this is all we've got and there's no more turning back. three years will have been wasted if we do.

three years worth of classmates. four organizations worth of people to share college life with. many faces have passed. some quite memorable, some there just sitting at the back of your mind, your memory triggered by your presence. others you don't feel like greeting when you cross paths, others you've shared something long-lasting with, others there to bring a smile to your face and a sunshine to your day. but nevertheless, i'm still lacking in people or socializing skills. i still shy away from the male sex. in fact, i ignore a lot of those people. even if we're both familiar to each other and the other seems keen on getting to know me (yes, the subject of some posts here in my blog), i just look straight ahead pretending not to notice when i see them. the bane of my life. having a lot of pride is it? or being insecure enough to warrant a silence notice on my head.

i was (this was some two hours ago) and still am wistful, remembering the days gone by. i'm glad that there have been a lot of laughs and meaningful moments. disappointing things have happened, bad things have come and gone, i've been faced with various challenges which seemed insurmountable but eventually looked easy after you've gone through them. there's been a lot of introspection, particularly these past few months. talks with ate jet have made me realize things about me and life in general. i've been on the verge on trying to give up on life as i know it and just concentrate on what's expected of me. just about. but then, i got back on track. i enjoy my life right now. it's not perfect, but it's just right. there's no radical change that i want to happen. ONLY that i have more MONEY and have MORE TIME. did i say i'm ambitious?

i feel. but i don't think i feel enough. friends are close to me when i'm literally close to them - that i get to see them and we get to talk about life. it's quite difficult for me to maintain something with people quite far away or out of touch with me. yes, there's that somehting you've shared, but it's not that easy for me to open up to them unlike to those people i've been seeing more regularly. and because i don't like to use the telephone, and do not have much money nor time to text them, communication is on a hiatus. and because of that, i said i don't feel enough. i may be aloof. but i could be unfeeling sometimes.

i love my family. everybody's grown up with the times. i think i'm the only one not living the way to do, seeing as i'm alone and about 212 kms away from home. but it's been a year of great bonding between me and my siblings. we spend a lot of time together, and i do like to be with them and have fun with them. just yesterday, we watched king kong in a movie theater, all expenses on me. i love them. i love my mom and dad. this family's the best. even if we're quite "cut off" from the rest of the world, there's no other place i'd rather be.

a digression: you can't always show all aspects of your personality. when you're talking with someone about something you really like or are interested in, what that person will see is a nice picture of you. the varying circumstances are what brings out the other sides of personality, whether nice or nasty. i just remembered this, coming upon the thought when i remembered somebody in the movies saying someone has finally showed his true colors. and the action sequences in king kong are amazing which could be trimmed so that the movie won't run for 3 hours.

so what now? well, i'm turning 20 this coming year. a whole new decade, a whole new beginning - it's like this is the time when i officially get inducted to the adult world. but i don't dress grown-up enough by today's standards but i don't care about those. i'll wear what i like. i'm still discovering myself little by little. thank God for tiangges and ukay, there are a lot of cheap places to go to to satisfy one's experimentations and tastes. of course, surprises are welcome. a guy in my life would, i guess, be interesting and probably welcome. various opportunities for self-betterment are sought after. i'd like to be able to make a film, to be a better football player, be able perform on stage playing the guitars/keyboards/percs, be a more active leader, a more diligent student and a more critical person. the list of hopes and wishes is long, the coming year is there to make memories out of, time is of importance but it's all in my hands. i'll just have to live it day by day, hour by hour. do with whatever comes along and just keep my head up during high water.

life is immense. the million beings connected by this phenomena have much to share with each other. possibilities are endless.

soar to greater heights and grab opportunities. be a better person this 2006. happy new year! to me and to you who's taken time to absorb this. thanks y'all!