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i realized one thing about myself today. when i'm pissed, or angry, at something or someone, i'm not totally receptive to what others say, especially if the one talking to me is part of the reason why i'm angry. "not totally receptive" means i still act the same way i usually am when i'm not angry towards that person, but when he/she jokes around with me, or drops some hirits or whatnots, i don't join in. in short, hindi ako nakikisakay. i would respond but not in a way that would encourage kakulitan. usually i just try to block what they're saying by stating the obvious. like when they say "gagabihin ka na," i would respond "e gabi naman na." coz' it's true, it was like 9pm already. get my point?

being pissed this afternoon, and still feeling like that right now, gave me time to come to that realization. poor me... such a loser - it's only now i get to know myself. it's not like it was really his fault. i just thought that things were unfair that time, and that while i was doing a lot of work, that person was just enjoying the time. so instead of rationalizing and coming to the conclusion that what happened actually came about because of the circumstances, i ended up trying to vent my ire on that unknowing person, who is really a good person. i don't have anything against him. he's one of the kindest persons i've ever known.

the slurpee from 7-11 didn't do much to lift my spirits up. it's been two hours since i got my slurpee but still, nothing's bright around me. i'm still pissed and when i got to my room, all i could think of was to be silent and to let it all pass, and while i was at it, find solace in the twisted world of jessica zafra. at least, she could mask something that was so friggin' annoying or nasty into a genius of an essay about the state of the world or of man. so some six articles or so later, i haven't enjoyed my reading, which i was hoping would be a kind of therapy through the ironic humor and what-else kind of genius you would call her brand of writing. yes, when i'm in the right mood, i could easily be induced to laughter by her. and i'm only talking about the first of the twisted series (sadly, it's only now i get to read about her twisted life). emotions don't penetrate me well when i'm not in a good mood. so yes, i'm still unreceptive to humor, music, and goodlooking guys (vincent kartheiser was on a movie on rpn 9 awhile ago, something i should have had the pleasure to watch, but all i got was a slight simmer in a water that should have been boiling already.)

can i end this now? it's not really helping anything. i'll be like this for a few hours more, i believe. was i wrong in feeling that way? i guess i am. but the state of things don't allow for anything otherwise. while i was sitting in front of the monitor tiring my eyes out to finish something that the org needed by wednesday, the others are all out enjoying the maroons' win over ust, or just flipping channels on the tv and dropping some comments every now and then. is that all? well, there's the fact that i've been working hard all week with acads putting in a lot of load, dumping me with papers and readings left and right, and the fact that as an officer - since i have no available members with whom nor resources which which to work with - i still have to devote my saturday to do this org stuff when i'm not satisfied with how the system works which all the more complicates things and makes my life harder (i've used up some P200 in cellphone load already in just 6 days - something that shouldn't be happening; and instead of studying for my upcoming exams, i'm working my ass off on extracurricular activities) when i had it planned that i would enjoy the afternoon with grass under my feet and chasing or dribbling a ball on the wide expanse of UP's sunken garden. i miss playing soccer. you could say i asked for it. yes, i'm doing what i could. but the others are not working as hard as i was expecting. it's like i wanted near-perfect results but because of the other workers who are not doing their jobs just as well, my efforts could very well be futile since they would not be supported.

harsh is it? yeah, i'm still pissed. and probably more so since now, i was able to think of all the things that piled up on top of it. and after this, i still have to attend to those things which haven't been finished by our afternoon work. i'll end this now. i'll probably feel better later on. dwelling on this keeps my spirits low. things will get better.